Life

My Favorite Humorous Christmas Songs

Last week I posted my 10 favorite Christmas songs. But then today I got to thinking, what about all those funny holiday songs? Heaven knows a good laugh goes a long way, especially during the often hectic days of December. So here are my favorite Christmas funnies (click on title links for lyrics):

1. Merry Christmas From The Family, by Robert Earl Keen. At first glance this song appears to be about a loud, drunken, lowbrow family Christmas party — not the sort of thing that usually appeals to me. But after I’d heard it a few times I began to realize that it’s about a lot more than just that. I mean, it is about a loud, drunken, lowbrow family Christmas party, but the real message here is about love and togetherness and the noisy, messy fun of a big extended family get-together where everyone feels welcome and at home. It’s really grown on me.

2. Please Come Home For Christmas, by Rockapella. I can’t find the lyrics online anywhere, sorry about that. This song starts out as a straightforward version of the classic, but it gets very funny about halfway through.

3. The Twelve Days Of…you know, stuff. There have been so many different versions of the 12 Days Of Christmas, I decided to lump my faves together. We have The Redneck 12 Days Of Christmas by Jeff Foxworthy, “The 12 Gifts Of Christmas” by Alan Sherman, and the Muppets’ slightly-disorganized rendering of the original “12 Days” lyrics.

4. Baby, It’s Cold Outside, by Steve Tyrell and Jane Monheit. Actually, Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Jordan have a pretty good version too, and Dean Martin (I totally have a crush on Deano, he’s so dreamy) has done this song with a gazillion different partners, but I think the Tyrell/Monheit duo gets the comic timing just exactly right.

5. It’s So Chic To Be Pregnant At Christmas, by Nancy White. Very funny song!

6. Deck The Stills, by Barenaked Ladies. No lyrics link here because the song consists of exactly five words: Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. Repeated over and over to the tune of “Deck the Halls.” Rather strange — but insidiously catchy! This one will get in your head.

Enjoy! πŸ™‚

Categories: Christmas, Humor, Life, Music | 2 Comments

The Evil, Vestigial Hands Of Time

Elizabeth had a nightmare last night. It freaked her out so bad she actually came in and crawled in bed with me and Steve, which she hasn’t done in yeeeeeaaars. I mean, at nine years old she considers herself to be “practically an adult” (her words), so it was rather unexpected when she showed up in our room at 4am.

I asked her what the nightmare was about. Any glimpse into the workings of Elizabeth’s Brain is a rare treat; she’s not really one for the oversharing.

“There was this clock,” she shuddered, snuggling up close to me.

A clock? Didn’t sound all that scary to me.

“It’s hands were vestigial,” she continued, “but it had big round eyes like hollow craters.” (Yes, she really talks that way.)

“Like those really old versions of Mickey Mouse?” I asked. Those old Mickey Mouse cartoons where he has empty gaping holes for eyes give me the wiggins.

“No, because they had these tiny pupil-holes in them that let light in…and monsters out.”

“Monsters came out of the clock’s eyes?”

“Yeah. The clock was hanging on a wall, and it had motion sensors in its eyes, and when I walked past it it said, ‘I can see your future.'”

I was beginning to see the creep factor now. “Did it tell you your future?”

“It said, ‘You will want to partay!!’ and then monsters came out of its eyes.”

“To, um, ‘party’ with you?”

She shuddered again. “Yeah. They were all made out of light particles.”

“Wow. Pretty scary dream.”

“Yeah.”

“You can stay in here.”

She couldn’t get back to sleep though, and she was still wigged out about it when she left for school this morning. When she got home she drew a picture of the clock, and titled it “My Greatest Fear.” It was indeed a very freaky-looking clock. It’s “vestigial hands” were tiny useless things in the center of its face, and it had huge round eyes and a big evil-clown smile.

She’s never been an afraid-of-monsters sort of kid. Gotta say…for a first monster, an evil fortune-telling light-particle-monster-producing clock is pretty impressive. I’ll probably dream about that damn thing myself tonight.

Categories: Family, kids, Life | Tags: | 12 Comments

O Christmas Tree

He who plants a tree, plants a hope.
– Lucy Larcom

You can live for years next door to a big pine tree, honored to have so venerable a neighbor, even when it sheds needles all over your flowers or wakes you, dropping big cones onto your deck at still of night.Β 
— Denise Levertov

No town can fail of beauty, though its walks were gutters and its houses hovels, if venerable trees make magnificent colonnades along its streets.
— Henry Ward Beecher

One of the things I love best about Christmas is the way it inspires people to reach beyond their own lives, to look for ways to make the world a better place for everyone to live in. In this brief, magical season more than any other time of year parents seek out ways to teach their children the value of giving of themselves; people who have much are moved to share their wealth with those who have little; and humankind seems to draw just a little closer, however briefly, to that distant dream of peace on earth and goodwill toward men.

In that spirit, I’d like to offer a simple idea for giving a small gift of health and beauty to the earth and its inhabitants: buy a living Christmas tree this year. Most tree nurseries stock them between Thanksgiving and Christmas; some offer a better selection than others. Imagine how much more beautiful the world could be in just a few years if everyone who normally buys cut trees every December were to switch to living ones!

We’ve used living trees for the past ten years or so, and through trial and error we’ve learned that there are big differences between one species of tree and the next, and that each variety has its pros and cons. Here’s a useful summary for anyone who might be considering switching to a living tree and isn’t sure what to look for.

Pines are the least expensive and fastest growing. They don’t grow in that conical shape naturally (they are professionally pruned into the “Christmas tree” shape), so once they’re planted in the ground they’ll quickly become tall and bushy. Pruning off the lower branches as the tree grows will give you a nice shady tree with a small “footprint.” The only real downside to using pines as living Christmas trees is that they quickly outgrow their pots: if you’re looking for a tree you can keep in a planter and use for two or three consecutive Christmases, a pine isn’t what you want.

Spruces are more expensive than pines, but also much prettier and slower-growing. A medium-sized spruce should be able to live in its pot for at least two years, if it’s given plenty of water, which makes it economical in the long run. They come in many different varieties and shades of green or blue.

Firs are my personal favorite. They tend to be the most expensive, but in the past we’ve used a fir for three years in a row before planting it, and if we’d started out with a smaller one we probably could have gotten a couple more years out of it before having to plant it. Plus, firs have beautiful short, soft needles that don’t scratch up your hands and arms when you’re decorating the tree. Noble firs are the prettiest, but are extravagantly expensive in pots (I’ve seen them for over $300), so we usually go with less pricey varieties, such as Fraser.

And if you’re looking for a tree you can use indefinitely, year after year, there are dwarf spruce and fir varieties that can live in a planter their whole long lives!

A few things to remember:

Living trees shouldn’t be kept indoors more than three weeks or so. In our living room the only place to put the Christmas tree happens to be about six feet away from our woodburning stove, so anything longer than two weeks is too stressful for the tree. We bring our tree inside a week before Christmas and take it back outside on Jan 2. Water frequently!

If you plan to keep your tree in its pot over the summer and bring it back in next year, keep it in the shade and water it often in hot weather. A tree in a planter needs more water and more shade than a tree in the ground.

Here are three trees on our property that all started out as Christmas trees:

trees1.jpg

Don’t have room to plant a tree? Donate it to a park or anywhere a new tree would be welcomed! The earth can always use more trees.

Think of as it as a Christmas gift to future generations. πŸ™‚

Categories: Christmas, environment, Gardening, Life, trees | 8 Comments

Today I’m Thankful For…

…my crockpot! Wondrous invention.

This morning I headed down to Temec to enjoy some last-minute grocery shopping on what must surely be the busiest grocery-shopping day of the year. I figured that after a day spent searching for parking spaces and standing in long lines I probably wouldn’t feel much like cooking, so before I left I put a beef brisket in in the toaster oven, broiled it on both sides, then plunked it into the crockpot with an onion (sliced), three cloves of garlic (minced), and about half a jar of Claim Jumper barbecue sauce (heavenly!).

When I returned home this afternoon the savory aroma of barbecue sauce and brisket filled the kitchen. I’d picked up some fresh-baked sourdough rolls from the bakery in Temec to round out the meal…and my work is done.

Man, I love my crockpot. :^)

Categories: food, Life | Tags: | 3 Comments

A Winter Garden Writ Small

Always leave enough time in your life to do something that makes you happy, satisfied, or even joyous. That has more of an effect on economic well-being than any other single factor.
– Paul Hawken

Every summer as I’m delighting in the lavish bounty of my garden I promise myself that this time, for sure, I will plant a winter garden and keep the fresh veggies coming. And at some point every January or February I realize that once again the winter garden hasn’t materialized and it’s time to start preparing the plot for spring planting.

This October as I was on the return lap of my road trip I swore that the first thing I was going to do when I got home was to put in that winter garden. No excuses this time.

And then I got home, and the truth hit me. The reason why my best intentions come to naught every fall. It’s because in November, when the summer garden is fading out and the time has come to till the soil and plant winter crops, one has to make a choice: put in that winter garden…or make one’s house shiny clean and nice for the holidays.

I love the holidays. The holidays merit a shiny clean house. I also have two young children, and that house ain’t going to scrub itself.

So I got to cleaning. But I couldn’t bring myself to let go of the winter garden idea. I realized that what I need is a set of raised beds near the house, dedicated solely to stuff like lettuce and broccoli and cabbage and stuff that will grow year-round here.

Not having time to build these raised beds at the moment (see holidays and housecleaning, above), I opted for a quick fix. I picked up the biggest plastic pot I could find at Home Depot (24″ diameter), set it up out of reach of the dogs (on a couple of old truck tires; effective if not terribly pretty), filled it full of organic potting soil and seeded it liberally with radishes, broccoli, carrots and several varieties of lettuce. I just mixed everything together; there’s no “radish section” or “lettuce section.” I figure I can eat all the thinnings and end up with a handful of adult plants spread evenly around the pot. The carrots are experimental: I’m not sure if carrots will grow in the winter here and this seems like a good way to find out.

wg1.jpgEverything sprouted very quickly; I’ll need to do a lot of thinning.

I want to take a moment to sing the praises of Hybrid Packman broccoli. This variety not only has a mild, delicious flavor, it also has the wonderful habit of growing nearly full-size heads to replace the ones you harvest — over and over, for as long as the plant lasts. I have broccoli in my garden right now that I planted last spring, that are still producing beautiful heads! So even if I only have room for one adult broccoli plant in my little winter garden this year, it should still produce a satisfactory amount of edible goodness.

As for the lettuce, once it’s big enough I like to harvest it by the leaf rather than by the head, so one plant of each variety should provide many salads. The only variety I’ve had any luck with in my summer garden is Romaine, but for the cooler weather I’m trying a few different kinds to see how they do.

I also like Cherry Belle radishes and Tendersweet carrots. I didn’t plant cabbage this fall because of space constraints, but as my winter garden setup grows I’ll be adding both green and red varieties.

I’m pretty excited about the prospect of year-round fresh-picked goodies, but experience tells me that these things rarely work out exactly as planned. I’m eager to see what thrives and what doesn’t in my little miniature garden.

Categories: food, Gardening, Life | 9 Comments