Christianity

On A Brighter Note….

Posted on March 2, 2009 by Debora

“Catholics confess their sins every week,” the pastor of our church commented yesterday. “Protestants confess EVERYONE ELSE’S sins.”

I laughed along with the rest of the congregation, but it got me thinking that I’ve devoted a fair chunk of space on this blog to bewailing the imperfections of the human race. And while the role of Embittered Wretch does hold a certain undeniable appeal at times, day-to-day life keeps tugging me back whenever I start drifting too far down that route.

So today I’ll tell a happier story about something that’s been brightening my path of late.

The church I attend is relatively young as churches go (but growing fast), and one thing that’s still being sorted out is the music program. The first several months I was there, the congregation simply sang along with prerecorded music on discs or an MP3 player. Which is fine, I’m not picky about where my music comes from as long as I get to sing nice and loud. Then a small worship group formed and began playing once a month in place of the recorded music, and that’s nice too. And then a few weeks ago a second worship group formed, and someone told me I should join it, and I’m in a place right now where I Listen To The Voices, so I joined it, and that has turned out to be surprisingly fun. We get together twice a week to practice, and perform at the church on the first Sunday of each month. The first performance I was part of was nothing to write home (or blog) about, because there were still a few bugs in the live-music amp setups and also our group was still very small. But right after that we gained three or four new members, each of whom totally rock their instrument of choice, and the sound system got upgraded, and yesterday? We sounded mighty fine, if I do say so myself. I’m really glad I decided to give that a shot.

On a similar note, the youth population at the church has EXPLODED in the past year, so now they have a shortage of Sunday School teachers. I dodged that bullet for as long as I could, but last week someone came up and asked me directly if I would teach one class per month. And it’s not like I HATE the idea of doing that, it’s just that I really really enjoy the services and hate the idea of missing any of them. But considering the pathetically small amount of money that I can afford to tithe (I think it just about covers the donuts my kids wolf down every Sunday), it seems like I should be giving SOMEthing of value back to the church. Also the pastor’s sermons are available on a free podcast at the church’s website the next day, so I’m not REALLY missing anything. So it looks like I’ll be wearing my Schoolmarm hat on the last Sunday of each month, and I hope that turns out as well as the worship group thing has.

Last but by no means least, the weather here has been intoxicatingly springlike this past week. I’ve begun turning over the garden beds, and over the next few days I’ll start planting cool-weather crops like garlic and lettuce and swiss chard, stuff that won’t be bothered too much by the occasional late frost. It’s still a bit early by Anza standards, but my gut tells me that the worst weather is behind us. I mean, it’s not like we haven’t gotten our money’s worth of winter this year, right?

There’s just something about springtime that makes everything feel fresh and new and possible.

And I’m off to the garden…

Categories: Christianity, Friends, Humor, Life, Love, Music | Leave a comment

Ripples

Posted on January 31, 2009 by Debora

I think part of the reason I haven’t been blogging as much lately is because somehow along the way I’ve become reluctant to share the beginnings of things without knowing where they’re going. I don’t necessarily want to talk about some new direction my path has taken until I know whether it’s an onramp or just a cul-de-sac.

But that kind of defeats the whole purpose of personal blogging, doesn’t it? Journaling is ABOUT the path. It’s not like anyone ever really ARRIVES anywhere anyway. I think a blog should celebrate — or at least document — all the little steps that lead from Point A to Point Q and beyond.

Back in August when the new school year began, I was kind of foundering emotionally. You may have noticed. Steve and I had just had our final not-even-attempting-to-be-friends-anymore break, all of my close old friends lived in other states that joint-child-custody rules prevent me from moving to, and I was beginning to realize that the group of local friends I’d been reconnecting with were basically all part of the same…culture, social strata, lifestyle, etc…as Steve, and deep down they really saw nothing particularly shocking or even unusual in his behavior.

I desperately wanted to move forward, but I was at a loss as to how or where to go.

On a whim, I volunteered to help out with a school fundraising project. That led to meeting a woman who invited me to join her walking group. And that led to meeting other women and hearing about a church they were sure I’d like.

It didn’t take me long to figure out that school fundraising projects aren’t really my cup of tea, and I had to let the walking group go when I added up how much I was spending on gas driving to and from the meeting-place every morning. But the church was definitely a keeper, and I would never have gotten there if I hadn’t taken all those other steps that led me to it. Everything is relevant, is what I’m getting at.

I have more to say about the church and what a wonderfully healing thing it’s been for me, but I think I’ll give that its own post later.

*****

On the ranch front, Steve has hauled all of his cows and calves out of the Trinity pasture and will soon be taking the corral panels out as well. Right now his cattle are in his home arena; some of them will be going to the sale and the rest he will be putting in with his dad’s herd across the street. In other words, he’s not so much “getting out of the business” as “cutting me loose to sink or swim on my own.” And that suits me fine, now that I’ve sat down and planned out most of the logistics. I’m actually pretty excited about the whole thing.

*****

I haven’t written much about Mahogany this winter, mostly because the things I’ve been working on with her aren’t really edge-of-your-seat material. But we’ve made huge progress in that simple but crucial ability to pull a bridle over her ears without the whole rodeo thing going on. Anyone who’s worked with horses knows what a big deal that is. At the risk of totally jinxing myself, I will venture to say that Mahogany’s INTENSE ear-handling issues might be completely a thing of the past by the end of this summer. That would be pretty sweet.

*****

My quest to grow as much of my own food as possible is expanding this year with the addition of several new crops and edible landscape plants, but I think that merits another post all its own too. It’s a pretty big subject, and one that I have a lot to say about.

*****

So I guess this post is about small beginnings that may or may not grow into big changes. You make a decision to put an oar into the water and the ripples begin to spread out in unpredictable ways.

I love that life is like that.

And now I see some sunshine outside that needs to be soaked up. I’d better go take care of that….

Categories: Christianity, Family, Friends, Gardening, Horses, Life, Ranching, Self-Sufficiency | 3 Comments

Love Thursday: Grace

Posted on January 15, 2009 by Debora

I don’t have anything very profound to say about love this morning. The truth is, today I am just a bit weary of the world in general. I’ll get over it, It’s just one of those days.

Meanwhile, Scott over at Caveat Emptor has written a poem about the same thing I was talking about a few days ago, and he says it better than I did, so I’m reposting the poem here with his permission:

**********************

GRACE

grace
like saplings in the wind
deceptively sure in bending
so as not to break
you know, intuitively, a secret
to survival in the bendy, windy world
there is a small that is not weak
a big that is not strong
so you choose to smile
to shift
to give
to take in
what you might keep out
arriving through indirection
where you didn’t know you wanted to go
are you dancing with us,
smiling girl, smiling boy?
if every soul deserves worship
and every soul deserves praise
let us bend, like you
let us dance, with you
another answer to the question
of this world
i kiss what you are
and smile

**********************

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. May we all find enough grace in our hearts to share with those who need it most.

Categories: Christianity, Life, Love, Love Thursday, Poetry | Leave a comment

Resolved

Posted on January 12, 2009 by Debora

At long last, Steve has finally gotten around to refinancing his truck loan in his own name and getting my name off that account. He’s been assuring me that “it’s all taken care of” since mid-November, but — just imagine! — that was actually a winding string of bullshit. I feel so disillusioned.

A couple of weeks ago I stopped trying to appeal to his sense of decency and started making ugly threats, and suddenly all the red tape miraculously sorted itself out and got handled. I called our credit union this morning and they confirmed that the refinancing is now in progress and my name should be off the Dodge loan within three or four days.

I feel a bit soiled and petty for having sunk to that level, but I comfort myself with knowing that my savings and credit rating won’t be fireballing into nonexistence along with Steve’s.

Having the loan issue resolved should also make it easier to keep my New Year’s resolution, which is to work harder at treating everyone with whom I interact with universal grace, respect and compassion, regardless of where they’re at in their own personal journey. I’ve been doing okay so far, with the glaring exception of my conversations with Steve. It doesn’t help that I’ve got a month’s worth of child-support checks sitting in my purse that Steve has warned me not to try to deposit because they’ll only bounce. It doesn’t help that my savings account balance is now hovering just above empty. It certainly hasn’t helped that for the past seven or eight weeks he’s been soothingly promising that the truck loan issue is “all taken care of,” in exactly the same tone of voice he used to use to assure me that the reason he came home covered in perfume every day was because little old ladies loved to hug him everywhere he went. Just that voice alone is enough to make my head explode anymore, resolution or not. For the past month and a half I’d pick up the phone, determined that no amount of his weaselly weaseling would anger me this time, and yet within five minutes there would be a smoky blue haze of profanity hanging in the air over my side of the conversation as he wove his pretty tapestry of lies.

But all that is past, my friends.

At least, I hope it’s past. Steve’s cows are still ensconced in the pasture and yesterday he made a passing comment about hoping for more rain to keep the grass growing, so maybe he was — gasp! — lying about selling out of the business too. I don’t know why he’d make that up, but then I long ago gave up trying to understand anything Steve says or does. It’s annoying though, because he has NO CLUE about managing resources and sooner or later that pasture will be so overgrazed for so long that it won’t be able to recover no matter how much rain it gets.

Anyway, where was I? Right, universal Christian love for all. Funny how easy that is in the abstract, and how difficult it becomes when you’re dealing with someone who has profoundly and unrepentantly hurt you, and continues to screw with your forward progress. But I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? Personal growth and whatnot. All part of the journey.

I’m working on it.

Categories: Christianity, Life, Love, Ranching | 5 Comments

In The Week When Christmas Comes, Part One

Posted on December 27, 2008 by Debora

Sorry about the radio silence. I’ve been really enjoying the holidays this year, and loving the freedom to try new ways of celebrating.

The kids’ Christmas Vacation (excuse me, “Winter Break”) got off to an early start this year on account of being snowed in for what would have been the the last three days of school. By the official beginning of the break they were suffering from a nervewracking mix of cabin fever and Christmas anticipation, and it seemed like I was dealing with one ridiculous squabble after another. I recalled that we’d had a similar situation last year, and had solved it by letting the kids have one early gift to keep them occupied. I decided that that was worth turning into a tradition, and we busted out the jumbo tub of Tinkertoys that had originally been meant to be a Christmas gift. Brilliant! They played happily with those and the bickering ceased.

And by the end of that day they had created this:

blgntrprs

It’s the Enterprise 1701, of course. Just brings a tear to a mother’s eye.

Our traditional Christmas Eve consists of opening one gift each and then watching The Muppets’ Christmas Carol together. I LOVE that movie.

This year was a bit different: we each opened our gift and then we went to church for an evening candelight service. That was wonderful, and will definitely be a regular part of our Christmas Eves from now on. Then we came home and snuggled up and watched The Muppets’ Christmas Carol, and I cannot remember a year when I’ve felt more deeply attuned to its sweet message of love and thankfulness.

And then the kids went to bed, and I stayed up till the wee hours wrapping the last of the presents and putting them under the tree along with the various items that don’t get wrapped. We always have several toys that are arranged, unwrapped and ready to be played with, beneath the tree after the kids are asleep. These are things that are either for Luke and Elizabeth to share, or there’s no question of who they are meant for.

blgchrstmsv08

We had another new twist this year, and frankly I found a bit baffling.

I’ve never ever told my kids that Santa Claus was real. I’ve told them the stories, of course, and we read “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas” every year, but I’ve always said that it was just a fun story people like to tell.

Last year, when Elizabeth was at the age when few kids still believe anyway, both of my offspring began peppering me with questions about how I really KNEW that Santa wasn’t real. I stood my ground on his fictional status, but they seemed unconvinced.

This year they specifically stated that they wished to receive one present each from good St. Nick himself. The implication here was that my blatant unbelief had been keeping him away all these years, and that I was to Knock It Off immediately and let the jolly old elf do his bit.

Fine. Who am I to squash my children’s holiday fantasies? I bought a whole ‘nother roll of fancy wrapping paper, snuck it into the house, and on Christmas Eve I wrapped one gift for each child plus one for the family in this Special Santa Wrap. Then I faked guy handwriting as best I could for the To/From tags. If I’d been a bit more on the ball I would have taken the tags to church and had an actual guy write them out, but one can’t think of everything.

I actually slept in pretty late Christmas morning, and the kids let me because they were happily occupied with the contents of their stockings and with the unwrapped stuff. Come to think of it, that may be why we started doing it that way in the first place. Sometimes an extra couple hours’ sleep is a gift unto itself.

Speaking of which, I’m off to bed. To Be Continued…

Categories: Christianity, Christmas, Family, Friends, kids, Life, Love | Leave a comment

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