At long last, Steve has finally gotten around to refinancing his truck loan in his own name and getting my name off that account. He’s been assuring me that “it’s all taken care of” since mid-November, but — just imagine! — that was actually a winding string of bullshit. I feel so disillusioned.
A couple of weeks ago I stopped trying to appeal to his sense of decency and started making ugly threats, and suddenly all the red tape miraculously sorted itself out and got handled. I called our credit union this morning and they confirmed that the refinancing is now in progress and my name should be off the Dodge loan within three or four days.
I feel a bit soiled and petty for having sunk to that level, but I comfort myself with knowing that my savings and credit rating won’t be fireballing into nonexistence along with Steve’s.
Having the loan issue resolved should also make it easier to keep my New Year’s resolution, which is to work harder at treating everyone with whom I interact with universal grace, respect and compassion, regardless of where they’re at in their own personal journey. I’ve been doing okay so far, with the glaring exception of my conversations with Steve. It doesn’t help that I’ve got a month’s worth of child-support checks sitting in my purse that Steve has warned me not to try to deposit because they’ll only bounce. It doesn’t help that my savings account balance is now hovering just above empty. It certainly hasn’t helped that for the past seven or eight weeks he’s been soothingly promising that the truck loan issue is “all taken care of,” in exactly the same tone of voice he used to use to assure me that the reason he came home covered in perfume every day was because little old ladies loved to hug him everywhere he went. Just that voice alone is enough to make my head explode anymore, resolution or not. For the past month and a half I’d pick up the phone, determined that no amount of his weaselly weaseling would anger me this time, and yet within five minutes there would be a smoky blue haze of profanity hanging in the air over my side of the conversation as he wove his pretty tapestry of lies.
But all that is past, my friends.
At least, I hope it’s past. Steve’s cows are still ensconced in the pasture and yesterday he made a passing comment about hoping for more rain to keep the grass growing, so maybe he was — gasp! — lying about selling out of the business too. I don’t know why he’d make that up, but then I long ago gave up trying to understand anything Steve says or does. It’s annoying though, because he has NO CLUE about managing resources and sooner or later that pasture will be so overgrazed for so long that it won’t be able to recover no matter how much rain it gets.
Anyway, where was I? Right, universal Christian love for all. Funny how easy that is in the abstract, and how difficult it becomes when you’re dealing with someone who has profoundly and unrepentantly hurt you, and continues to screw with your forward progress. But I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? Personal growth and whatnot. All part of the journey.
I’m working on it.
Perhaps it is best with some, who for whatever reason, constantly remind us of how un-kind, manipulative, hateful and destructive we humans can be… When we turn the other cheek, it should be one that is attatched to our backside. We may be trying our best to be good Christians…but we need not be doormats in the process.
Unfortunately, since we have joint custody of the kids I don’t have the option of leaving Steve behind completely, or believe me, I’d be long gone already.
I can’t control his choices, I can only try to deal with them with as much grace as possible. That doesn’t mean being a doormat, but hopefully it also doesn’t mean losing my cool over every new bit of spite or stupidity he decides to perpetrate. Kind of a balancing act. A LEARNING EXPERIENCE, I keep telling myself. I am GROWING AS A PERSON.
Or something. Whatever.
My friend, you have always continued to grow as a person. I am only sorry that you’ve been so hurt by Steve. You’ve gone through so much as a person and are still emerging – and I’ve a feeling you’ve always been a strong person and because of that, you can only get stronger. And, by the way, Circuit City is one of my favorite places and I’m saddened they are going out – but I’m headed for the final sales myself.
Thoughts are with you…
Kathy (and I finally got my blog up!)