Life

Love Thursday: Grace

I don’t have anything very profound to say about love this morning. The truth is, today I am just a bit weary of the world in general. I’ll get over it, It’s just one of those days.

Meanwhile, Scott over at Caveat Emptor has written a poem about the same thing I was talking about a few days ago, and he says it better than I did, so I’m reposting the poem here with his permission:

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GRACE

grace
like saplings in the wind
deceptively sure in bending
so as not to break
you know, intuitively, a secret
to survival in the bendy, windy world
there is a small that is not weak
a big that is not strong
so you choose to smile
to shift
to give
to take in
what you might keep out
arriving through indirection
where you didn’t know you wanted to go
are you dancing with us,
smiling girl, smiling boy?
if every soul deserves worship
and every soul deserves praise
let us bend, like you
let us dance, with you
another answer to the question
of this world
i kiss what you are
and smile

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Happy Love Thursday, everyone. May we all find enough grace in our hearts to share with those who need it most.

Categories: Christianity, Life, Love, Love Thursday, Poetry | Leave a comment

Wordless Wednesday: An Attempt to Photograph my New Haircut

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Categories: Family, Humor, kids, Life, Wordless Wednesday | 3 Comments

Resolved

At long last, Steve has finally gotten around to refinancing his truck loan in his own name and getting my name off that account. He’s been assuring me that “it’s all taken care of” since mid-November, but — just imagine! — that was actually a winding string of bullshit. I feel so disillusioned.

A couple of weeks ago I stopped trying to appeal to his sense of decency and started making ugly threats, and suddenly all the red tape miraculously sorted itself out and got handled. I called our credit union this morning and they confirmed that the refinancing is now in progress and my name should be off the Dodge loan within three or four days.

I feel a bit soiled and petty for having sunk to that level, but I comfort myself with knowing that my savings and credit rating won’t be fireballing into nonexistence along with Steve’s.

Having the loan issue resolved should also make it easier to keep my New Year’s resolution, which is to work harder at treating everyone with whom I interact with universal grace, respect and compassion, regardless of where they’re at in their own personal journey. I’ve been doing okay so far, with the glaring exception of my conversations with Steve. It doesn’t help that I’ve got a month’s worth of child-support checks sitting in my purse that Steve has warned me not to try to deposit because they’ll only bounce. It doesn’t help that my savings account balance is now hovering just above empty. It certainly hasn’t helped that for the past seven or eight weeks he’s been soothingly promising that the truck loan issue is “all taken care of,” in exactly the same tone of voice he used to use to assure me that the reason he came home covered in perfume every day was because little old ladies loved to hug him everywhere he went. Just that voice alone is enough to make my head explode anymore, resolution or not. For the past month and a half I’d pick up the phone, determined that no amount of his weaselly weaseling would anger me this time, and yet within five minutes there would be a smoky blue haze of profanity hanging in the air over my side of the conversation as he wove his pretty tapestry of lies.

But all that is past, my friends.

At least, I hope it’s past. Steve’s cows are still ensconced in the pasture and yesterday he made a passing comment about hoping for more rain to keep the grass growing, so maybe he was — gasp! — lying about selling out of the business too. I don’t know why he’d make that up, but then I long ago gave up trying to understand anything Steve says or does. It’s annoying though, because he has NO CLUE about managing resources and sooner or later that pasture will be so overgrazed for so long that it won’t be able to recover no matter how much rain it gets.

Anyway, where was I? Right, universal Christian love for all. Funny how easy that is in the abstract, and how difficult it becomes when you’re dealing with someone who has profoundly and unrepentantly hurt you, and continues to screw with your forward progress. But I guess that’s the point, isn’t it? Personal growth and whatnot. All part of the journey.

I’m working on it.

Categories: Christianity, Life, Love, Ranching | 5 Comments

In The Week When Christmas Comes, Part 2

For some reason my interest in blogging is in an (almost certainly temporary) waning phase. It’s not that there’s nothing going on in my life; actually I think it’s the very fullness of my days and the expanding network of connections to the people around me that have made me less dependent on this forum as a social outlet.

I’ve no plans to stop blogging, but it’s no longer the emotional necessity it once was, thank all that’s good and merciful.

Anyway.

After we’d opened our presents Christmas morning and had some breakfast, I dropped the kids off with their dad and his parents and then headed over to spend the rest of the day at my friend Jenny’s house. That was really nice, and the food and company were great. In the afternoon it started to rain, and I was worried that it might turn to snow or ice and keep me from getting home that night, but I was having too much fun to leave until about six when it started getting good and stormy. I got home with, um, minimal and easily reparable damage to my silly little car, stopping on the way to pick up Luke, Elizabeth and the piles of loot they’d gotten for Christmas from the Silkotch clan.

The day after Christmas my uncle Vaughn came up to Anza for a visit. He’d been living in Colorado, but my grandfather passed away a year ago, and Vaughn and my father are currently in Victorville in the process of putting the estate in order. Vaughn stayed with us Friday and Saturday night, and even came to church with us Sunday morning. It was a nice visit, but I’m afraid he got an inaccurate impression of typical Anza weather. The longest deep-cold snap I’ve ever seen up here finally broke the day AFTER he left; we spent most of his visit huddled around the woodstove for warmth. This mobile just wasn’t made for that sort of climate. I can’t wait until I’m able to completely replace the walls with something sturdier than cardboard and aluminum foil.

We’ve had no real plans for New Year’s Eve. Just today I found out that there’s going to be a party at Casa Gamino, and I’d be tempted to go to that since I can take the kids, if Steve’s band weren’t playing there that night. I suppose eventually that sort of thing won’t impair my enjoyment of a night out, but I’m not quite there yet.

Jenny and I had decided that if nothing more exciting presents itself between now and then we could all get together at my place, so that’s currently the plan. I went shopping for supplies today, so if something better does come up for New Year’s Eve my pantry will be fully stocked with snacks well into 2009.

In general life is very good and very peaceful, which I much prefer over having lots of drama to blog about. I feel like I’m on a path, and I can’t see where it’s headed, but I can see that it’s definitely headed SOMEwhere, so I’m just walking in faith and enjoying the view as I go along.

If I don’t post again for a while, HAPPY NEW YEAR! May it be filled with love and joy and health and peace for all of us.

Categories: Christmas, Family, Friends, kids, Life, Weather, Winter | Leave a comment

In The Week When Christmas Comes, Part One

Sorry about the radio silence. I’ve been really enjoying the holidays this year, and loving the freedom to try new ways of celebrating.

The kids’ Christmas Vacation (excuse me, “Winter Break”) got off to an early start this year on account of being snowed in for what would have been the the last three days of school. By the official beginning of the break they were suffering from a nervewracking mix of cabin fever and Christmas anticipation, and it seemed like I was dealing with one ridiculous squabble after another. I recalled that we’d had a similar situation last year, and had solved it by letting the kids have one early gift to keep them occupied. I decided that that was worth turning into a tradition, and we busted out the jumbo tub of Tinkertoys that had originally been meant to be a Christmas gift. Brilliant! They played happily with those and the bickering ceased.

And by the end of that day they had created this:

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It’s the Enterprise 1701, of course. Just brings a tear to a mother’s eye.

Our traditional Christmas Eve consists of opening one gift each and then watching The Muppets’ Christmas Carol together. I LOVE that movie.

This year was a bit different: we each opened our gift and then we went to church for an evening candelight service. That was wonderful, and will definitely be a regular part of our Christmas Eves from now on. Then we came home and snuggled up and watched The Muppets’ Christmas Carol, and I cannot remember a year when I’ve felt more deeply attuned to its sweet message of love and thankfulness.

And then the kids went to bed, and I stayed up till the wee hours wrapping the last of the presents and putting them under the tree along with the various items that don’t get wrapped. We always have several toys that are arranged, unwrapped and ready to be played with, beneath the tree after the kids are asleep. These are things that are either for Luke and Elizabeth to share, or there’s no question of who they are meant for.

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We had another new twist this year, and frankly I found a bit baffling.

I’ve never ever told my kids that Santa Claus was real. I’ve told them the stories, of course, and we read “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas” every year, but I’ve always said that it was just a fun story people like to tell.

Last year, when Elizabeth was at the age when few kids still believe anyway, both of my offspring began peppering me with questions about how I really KNEW that Santa wasn’t real. I stood my ground on his fictional status, but they seemed unconvinced.

This year they specifically stated that they wished to receive one present each from good St. Nick himself. The implication here was that my blatant unbelief had been keeping him away all these years, and that I was to Knock It Off immediately and let the jolly old elf do his bit.

Fine. Who am I to squash my children’s holiday fantasies? I bought a whole ‘nother roll of fancy wrapping paper, snuck it into the house, and on Christmas Eve I wrapped one gift for each child plus one for the family in this Special Santa Wrap. Then I faked guy handwriting as best I could for the To/From tags. If I’d been a bit more on the ball I would have taken the tags to church and had an actual guy write them out, but one can’t think of everything.

I actually slept in pretty late Christmas morning, and the kids let me because they were happily occupied with the contents of their stockings and with the unwrapped stuff. Come to think of it, that may be why we started doing it that way in the first place. Sometimes an extra couple hours’ sleep is a gift unto itself.

Speaking of which, I’m off to bed. To Be Continued…

Categories: Christianity, Christmas, Family, Friends, kids, Life, Love | Leave a comment

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