Love

A New Song Unto The Lord

When I first joined the BackCountry Worship group in February, it was very new and small and still finding itself. We’ve gained a few members since then (and lost a few), and over the past three months it’s sort of taken on a life of its own and become something kind of amazing.

I have to confess, when I first started singing with them the songs themselves didn’t resonate very deeply with me. I’d grown up on the old Baptist hymns, and that had always been my own personal conception of sacred music. The songs I was learning now were different: mostly newish stuff that plays on gospel radio or upbeat versions of hymns I’d never heard before. To me they were just words and melodies to be learned, notes to be mastered.

“Days Of Elijah” was the first ‘church song’ I loved enough to buy from iTunes for my own personal listening pleasure. I think it’s impossible not to respond to that song, I love the energy and power of it. Sometime after that I started buying all the songs our group was practicing, because it was quicker and easier for me to learn them that way and I could practice at home between meetings. Pretty soon some of the worship music was finding its way onto my regular everyday playlists, and these days the songs I sing while doing housework and gardening are more likely to be worship tunes than my old rock or country favorites.

Recently I was singing along with my newly-downloaded mp3 of “Blessed Be Your Name” when the actual spiritual sense of it hit me unexpectedly. Deeply. The profound TRUTH of it sank in: that joyful peace that comes from keeping a faithful and thankful heart no matter where your path has brought you on any given day.

There are really no words to describe how much this group and this music have come to mean to me. I look forward to our twice-a-week meetings not just just as a time to practice music, but as gathering in worship and fellowship with a handful of kindred souls who share a deep and genuine love for the One we come to honor.

The last time I blogged about them we’d just lost one of our guitarists and our male vocalist, but since then we’ve gotten a new guitarist and our prodigal singer has returned to us. I think there was an audible click the first time this new configuration got together to practice. It feels very right.

Here’s a pic Elizabeth took of us during practice before church yesterday:

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My peeps. On the far left is John, a vocalist. If John were to write his autobiography it would probably fall into the horror genre, and yet he is one of the most joyful people I’ve ever met. I get the impression that his walk through the scarier corners of the Valley of the Shadow and back up into the light have left him pretty much afraid of nothing. Next to John is Susan: worship leader, guitar and vocals, and our collective moral compass whenever we lose track of why we’ve come together. Next is Annie, Susan’s teenage daughter, a delightful creature of light and life with the voice of an angel. I am fairly certain that little singing cartoon birds help Annie get dressed in the mornings. Annie occasionally gets into an odd Mood and starts flinging snarkiness in all directions; this is entertainment of the highest order. Behind Annie is Marie (bass guitar), but you can’t really see her from this angle. Marie is the still water that runs deep: she doesn’t talk a lot, but when she does it’s worth listening to. Next is Jeff, our new guitarist. Jeff is actually the one who told me I should join the worship group, way back when, but he wasn’t able to play with us himself until his employment situation changed a couple weeks ago. I don’t know him as well as I do the others, but he seems like a very likable fellow. Next is me (vocals), and heaven knows we’ve already read enough about me on this blog. Moving on we have Other Jeff. He’s not technically a member of the group, but he sat in with us yesterday and rocked the bongo. On the far left is Robert on drums. A man of few words, but his drums speak quite eloquently on his behalf. For such a quiet guy he can seriously get down with his bad self on that drum set.

One of these days I’ll get a CD of our music and post a song or two here. I’m thinking “Blessed Be Your Name” would be an excellent choice.

Categories: Christianity, Friends, Life, Love, Music | 3 Comments

Lifted

In the depths of winter I finally learned that within me
there lay an invincible summer.
– Albert Camus

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Several years ago I read an old novel called The Circle Of The Day, by Helen Howe. Basically it describes a single day in the life of an ordinary woman, but of course this day turns out to be anything but ordinary.

In the first few pages we meet our heroine (I like that her name is Faith) as she quietly reflects on her comfortable, stable life and her relationships with the people around her. And then she learns something that changes everything about the way she sees her life and her relationships. Naturally she’s thrown completely off-balance, and struggles to come to terms with this new perception of reality. But that very effort leads her to new revelations, new realities that she has no choice but to try and get a handle on, and trying to get a handle on them leads inevitably to even more revelations. By the end of the day (which is also the end of the book) she is almost a different woman, not because her life has changed (it hasn’t, really) but because her perceptions have changed so profoundly.

Extend the concept’s timeframe and you have a perfect summary of my past year.

I’m still living in the same house, still filling my days with the same parenting and gardening and housework that I’ve always done, but everything has changed. And that didn’t –couldn’t have — happened all at once. The passing words of wisdom that shone a new light in my mind a month ago might have meant nothing to me four months ago, because I wasn’t…you know, there yet. I had to follow the path, step by step, in order to understand the vista as it unfolded.

My most recent revelation was one of those things that seems ridiculously simple and obvious in retrospect, and yet it literally took me 40 years to grasp.

And now I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to explain it, because I don’t want to say it wrong, because it’s a profoundly important concept if one hopes to live a spiritually effective life.

Okay. I’ve never been one to stick neat, confining labels onto people, and I know that sweeping generalities tend to fail when you take a closer look at things, but I have come to understand that pretty much everyone in the world falls into one of two groups: the Holder-Downers and the Lifter-Uppers.

Holder-Downers come in two basic flavors: the ones who need to see themselves as (and be recognized as) superior beings and believe that the way to do that is to crush everyone around them; and the (much rarer) ones who have knowingly embraced the dark side and simply want to spread as much darkness as possible.

Lifter-Uppers feel that the way to make the world a better place is to improve the condition of the entire human race, one person at a time if need be. They freely offer a kind word or a helping hand to almost anyone in need of one.

Here’s where it gets less simple, and this is the part that took me longest to grasp: a Lifter-Upper cannot help a Holder-Downer in any meaningful way. Holder-Downers don’t want to be lifted up. They may want to use you for whatever they can get and leave your empty shell behind, they may want to take what you have because they think that if it makes you happy then maybe it will make them happy too, they may want to actively destroy you if you appear to be standing between them and something they desire, but they have zero interest in personal redemption. You cannot help them. Move on. They’re in God’s hands, and if He wants to reach into their heart and transform them He’s fully capable of that. You are not, so don’t waste your time trying. Most of them are spiritual vampires who will drain you dry if you let them.

This is not to say that all Holder-Downers should be avoided completely. For one thing that’s not even possible: there are too many of them, they’re everywhere. For another thing, many of them have something useful to teach you about the life-destroying forces of greed, selfishness and malice. A good long look at the empty lives of spiritual futility that Holder-Downers inevitably lead can be a powerful motivator for keeping your own moral compass calibrated in the right direction.

Sometimes it takes a while to figure out which camp a person belongs to, and sometimes it only takes a conversation or two. The Holder-Downers are usually the ones telling you all about what’s wrong with you, or what they want you to think is wrong with you. The Lifter-Uppers are the ones searching out what’s best in you, your most redeeming qualities, and nourishing those.

That’s not to say there’s only room for praise in a Lifting relationship. A few weeks ago I was with a group of friends, and at one point me and a couple of the others made some humorous comments about the personality quirks of someone else we know. I don’t think we were being mean-spirited, and we certainly meant no harm, but we were in fact laughing and joking about the foibles of an absent friend.

Then another girl said very gently, “I know I’m the youngest one here, and I don’t know [that person], but they’re not here, and I think if they were here their feelings would probably be hurt.”

We all instantly felt the truth of what she’d said, and the jokes stopped. This is the kind of company I delight in now: the ones that like and accept me just as I am while inspiring me to be better. Lifters.

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. May we all do our best to be Lifter-Uppers, and not let the Holder-Downers get a toehold on our souls.

Categories: Christianity, Friends, Life, Love, Love Thursday | Leave a comment

Happy Place, Day Two

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I had only been to California Adventure once before, a few years ago, and I hadn’t felt well that day, and there was this weird fake-vanilla smell pervading the park and making me nauseous, and also Steve’s parents came with us so I only rated about 0.5% of Steve’s attention at best. I had no nostalgia-based awkwardness to overcome here, is what I’m saying.

Yesterday’s visit was completely different from that first one. This time it was just me and the kids and the world was our oyster! As soon as we arrived and saw the crowds we grabbed some FastPass tix for Soarin’ Over California and then headed toward Redwood Creek Challenge Trail. On the way there we passed the Grizzly River Run, saw that there were no lines for that, and made a snap judgement that it wasn’t too early in the day to get soaking wet. Because did I mention that we scored FABULOUS sunny weather for this outing?

After our drenching we continued on to Redwood Creek, where the kids proceeded to scamper about happily for over an hour.

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I found a spot in the sun to dry off while they climbed and slid and swung and ran to their hearts’ content. I think that officially makes me an Old Person, but it was nice and relaxing.

Then it was on to Paradise Pier, where they spent another half-hour or so frolicking around on the SS Rustworthy.

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This was Luke’s favorite part of the whole park. Eight-year-old boys don’t need fancy-schmancy roller coasters or flight simulators; just give them an old fireboat to play on and they’ll never want to leave. Literally. When it was time to go back to Soarin’ Over California to use our FastPasses he came along willingly enough, but apparently he was under the impression that as soon as that was done we’d be coming back to the Rustworthy and, I don’t know, spending the rest of the day there? After Soarin’, when he realized that Elizabeth and I had other plans, he got very grumpy and gradually descended into Downright Obnoxious.

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Elizabeth rode the California Screamin’ roller coaster by herself because Luke refused and I had to stay with him. He scowled his way through A Bug’s Land while Elizabeth amused herself by stirring up the locals.

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When we headed over to get FastPasses for the Tower Of Terror and Luke growled that he wasn’t going on that one either, I’d had enough. I told him that he WAS going on it, we ALL were, and to GET OVER IT already.

For some reason that didn’t improve his mood at all.

But! As we were leaving the Hollywood Backlot area we passed the Muppet 3-D Vision Theater and even though I had no idea what that was about I reasoned that no one could remain grumpy for long in the company of Muppets. So in we went, and the Muppets totally ungrumpified my boy and when we came out he was his normal happy self again.

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And then…

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The Tower Of Terror turned out to be a little more intense than we’d expected (who’d have thought, with a cheery name like that??), but Luke recovered quickly with only a slight facial twitch afterward. By then I was hungry enough to gnaw my own hand off, and the pizza place I wanted to eat at just happened to be right next to the SS Rustworthy, so Luke got to play there for another 45 minutes or so, which should totally not be interpreted as an apology for forcing him onto a nightmare-inducing death-by-broken-elevator thrill ride. I just WANTED SOME PIZZA, okay?

One thing that I found amusing…as you’re leaving the Tower ride you step into this little room where there are monitor screens displaying photos of everyone’s faces the first time the elevator drops. As we stepped into that little room a dozen camera/cellphones were whipped out as people snapped pics of their screens. Ah, modern technology.

The park was scheduled to close at seven, but around mid-afternoon there was an announcement that it would remain open an extra hour. Not that it made any difference to us, because by five-thirty or six we was Worn Out and ready to call it a day. Just as we were leaving we caught the Pixar Play Parade, and that was pretty awesome — the perfect end to a great trip.

And then we went home. And it was good. And we all overslept this morning and missed the school bus so I had to drive the kids to school, and then we all had eggs for supper because the chickens laid about three dozen while we were away and I didn’t feel like fixing oatmeal.

Happy Birthday, precious girl!

Categories: Birthdays, Family, kids, Life, Love | 2 Comments

Happy Place

Elizabeth asked me for two things for her eleventh birthday: a copy of the first Harry Potter book and a trip to Disneyland. I hopped online to order the book and find out what park tickets cost these days, and discovered that right now SoCal residents can get a “2fer” ticket (Disneyland and California Adventure on different days) for the same price as a regular one-day ticket. I figured we could just about afford to get a hotel room and do both parks if we, like, ate oatmeal for supper for the rest of the month, so I ordered the tickets and told the kids the trip was a go.

They spent the next three weeks in a frenzy of excitement; they even dug out old souvenir maps of Disneyland and CA Adventure that I’d collected over the years and planned a detailed itinerary. This was the first time both kids were old enough and confident enough to really invest themselves in organizing the experience they wanted to have, and I found their joyful anticipation to be irresistibly contagious.

We invited a few other friends along, but various family illnesses forced them to cancel out. I was disappointed at first, but by the end of the trip I realized that for this particular outing at this particular time, the three of us really benefitted from having the bonding time all to ourselves.

Elizabeth’s birthday was actually on Sunday, but we’d planned to avoid the crowds by going to Disneyland on Monday and CA Adventure on Tuesday. This plan basically failed, because both parks were inexplicably jam-packed both days. I have no idea why and neither did any of the other disgruntled park goers who were muttering about how they’d come during the week specifically to avoid this sort of thing. We didn’t let it spoil our fun though — as soon as we realized that the kids’ meticulously planned-out itinerary would have us standing in line for hours at a time we just started making heavy use of the FastPass system and avoided long lines almost completely.

I have to admit that the first hour or two were awkward for me in a way that I hadn’t expected. I’m not sure why I didn’t see it coming, because loving Disneyland is one of the few things Steve and I had in common. We spent our honeymoon here, and went back every few years to celebrate birthdays and such. It had been more than fifteen years since I’d walked through The Happiest Place On Earth without his fingers laced through mine, or sat in a little boat or whatever without resting snugly in his arms. I wasn’t, like, wishing Steve was there with us this time, because eww, it’s just that he had been part of the whole experience for so long that it felt odd to be there without him. I’m probably not explaining it very well. Never mind.

Anyway, about an hour and a half after we arrived I mentioned some of this to Elizabeth. She didn’t say much, but for the rest of that day and the next she would slip her hand into mine now and then as we walked along, or snuggle up to me as we stood in the occasional line between FastPass rides. In short order I was thinking about how much I love this amazing child instead of thinking about the empty place at my side, and pretty soon the last traces of leftover awkwardness were gone and it was just fun again.

There were definite advantages to having just the three of us there. Strategic decisions were made quickly with minimal deliberation and we were all on the same page as far as what couldn’t be missed and what could be lived without. (Although I confess I do not find that giant floating marble in Tomorrowland as endlessly fascinating as Luke and Elizabeth do.)

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Most of the rides have been updated since the last time I was here. The Pirates Of The Caribbean has had some awesome effects added to tie it more into the movies; my favorite one was when the boats floated toward and into what appeared to be a waterfall with Davy Jones’ face projected onto it, talking to the riders as they passed through. I couldn’t see how the illusion was done until I actually went into the “waterfall” and realized that it was just a sheet of white fog with both water AND face projected onto it. Very cool. All of the updated effects on all the rides were very cool, with only one exception: the dynamite-chewing goat had been removed from the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad ride. I wonder if animal rights activists protested animatronic goat abuse….?

Probably the best makeover was at Tom Sawyer’s Island, which is now a Pirate’s Lair.

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Toontown has always ooged me out a little, but my kids revel in its over-the-top weirdness. Elizabeth especially was in her element here.

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All in all, a day of Cheshire grins:

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And this post is already too long, so I’ll save Day Two for the next one!

Categories: Birthdays, Family, kids, Life, Love | 6 Comments

Hits and Misses

So remember when I said that I don’t need any special events to show me how far Luke has come in the past six months? Well it turns out I get one anyway, because life is just that kind of awesome these days!

Luke has a history of being kind of a spaz at school. From day one he has found the whole environment there to be too noisy and chaotic and populated with untrustworthy sorts who were probably all Out To Get Him. It’s been…a challenge, for him and for his teachers and fellow students.

Over the past couple of months or so I’ve been getting an occasional Friday phone call from his teacher to tell me that he’s had a wonderfully good week. He’s been learning to sit quietly in class, do his work at the same time and in the same manner as the other kids, and play cooperatively with his peers at recess.

And today at the school awards assembly he was presented with a P.R.O. Award.

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It stands for People Respecting Others, and it’s awarded to students who have been exceptionally good citizens and demonstrated exemplary social skills. For Luke to have won it is huge. I could not be more proud of him.

And then there’s Elizabeth. She’s been having the sort of week that reminds me that underneath that marvelous veneer of brilliance and creativity there’s still a regular kid who from time to time can be as refreshingly goofy as the rest of us.

Conversation a few days ago in the car on the way home from the bus stop:

Elizabeth: “We’re learning about the colonists this week.”

Me [because sadly my geek brain instantly jumped to various colony planets in the Star Trek ‘verse and I was pretty sure her class wasn’t studying any of those]: “Really? Which colonists?”

Elizabeth [pausing in a “busted” sort of way because she was probably thinking about dragons or something while the teacher was talking about the colonists in question]: “Um…the…um…the colonists in the American Revolution?”

Me: “Oh! The American colonists, okay.” Duh.

Elizabeth: “Our class is divided up into groups. I’m in the ‘colonists’ group. We were supposed to write letters today. I wrote a letter to the colonists telling them not to do the Boston Tea Party.”

Me: “Really? You don’t think the colonists had a right to protest being taxed without governmental representation?”

Elizabeth: “….”

Luke: “She just thinks it’s too girly and she doesn’t want to have to do it.”

Me: “Too…girly…Elizabeth, you weren’t really listening to the teacher when she was talking about the Boston Tea Party, were you?”

Elizabeth: “Um…possibly not completely….”

Me: [Gives a brief description of the colonists dressed as Indians raiding the ships and dumping the tea into the harbor and why they did it.]

Elizabeth: “Oh.”

Me: “You were picturing a bunch of old guys in powdered wigs and, like, frilly aprons — ”

Luke: “And their dolls!”

Me: “…And their dolls, sitting around sipping tea?”

Elizabeth: “….Something like that. Yeah.”

Elizabeth has been having That Sort Of Week. The topper came yesterday at recess when she decided to find out what would happen if she let go of the swing chains in mid-swing. Luckily that part of the school playground is on sand rather than asphalt, so she got away with some impressive abrasions on her face rather than a fractured skull.

Today when she received her Bookworm Award she looked like she’d just gone a few rounds with a belt sander.

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And somehow in that moment I finally saw a resemblance between us.

The tomboyishly scraped-up face, the certificate officially recognizing her bookworm status…yes. That was me at ten-going-on-eleven.

Take that, aliens! You MISSED a couple of my genes when you were replacing them with your extraterrestrial DNA!

Yeah, this is why I have a blog. So I don’t say stuff like that out loud at school awards ceremonies.

Luke and Elizabeth? You guys rock.

Categories: Family, Humor, kids, Life, Love, School | 2 Comments

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