Humor

I Wonder If She Says “I Told You!” To His Gravestone.

I thought about saving this for Wordless Wednesday and just posting a pic of the cover, but I couldn’t bring myself to let the mocking stop there.

I found it in the last shed I cleaned out:

It’s from August 1972.

It contains, amongst the highly conjectural and grammatically-flexible celeb gossip:

9 ads for breast enhancement products/programs. Ah, the good old days when all a girl needed to be happy and successful and popular were really big boobs!

9 ads for various weight loss methods, including 3 for rubber bodysuits that one zipped oneself into. Fun!!

8 ads for stylin’ threads like these…

Oh yeah. Flaunt it, ladies.

8 ads for the really attractive stuff like tampons, douches, Midol, depilatories and hemorrhoid creme. ‘Cause we all wanted to see those.

5 cigarette ads, nearly all full-page and aimed right at women. “Made for the lady with taste!” Yes indeedy.

And of course, the obligatory half-page ad for sea monkeys.

A bowl full of happiness! I want a bowl full of happiness!!

Wait…no…I want a bowl full of Häagen-Dazs.

And maybe some bigger boobs, so I can be all successful and popular.

Thank goodness I have Motion Picture Magazine to show me the way.

Categories: Humor, Life, Uncategorized | Tags: | 2 Comments

And Now We Know

Elizabeth: “I think I’m going to draw a picture of what Dr. Claw might really look like.”

Me: “That reminds me. You have one more Inspector Gadget dvd coming in from Netflix, and that’ll be the last of them.”

Elizabeth: “I wonder if THIS TIME we’ll finally get to see Dr. Claw’s face!”

Me: “I don’t think they ever showed his face. I think it’s just one of those great mysteries of life that’s never revealed.”

Elizabeth: “Like the Onceler. You only ever see his hands and arms.”

Me: “Like how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a Tootsie Pop.”

Elizabeth: “Oh, I know that one. I counted once.”

Me: “You did? How many licks does it take?”

Elizabeth: “Four hundred ninety.”

How I love that child. She always goes that extra mile so the rest of us don’t have to.

Categories: books, Family, food, Humor, kids, Life, Love | 4 Comments

I Know I Left It Around Here Somewhere…

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
~Mark Twain

You know what I used to have? A sense of humor. Seriously, it used to be one of my best features. That’s probably hard to believe if you’ve only met me in the past few years. So how did I go from being Queen Of The One-Liner in my teens and twenties to being the humorless wretch you see before you now? I’m not sure…maybe it had something to do with cohabiting for thirteen years with someone who never got my jokes. Sorta took the fun out of telling them, you know? Anyway, I’ve decided that this is an Unacceptable State Of Affairs. I gotta get my funny back!

I figured this blog would be the place to start, so yesterday I resolved to sit down and write the most hilarious post I could come up with. But as it turns out, I don’t get to be hilarious again just because I want to. Try as I might, nary a hilarious idea has presented itself. Hunh.

Alrighty then.

It’s been said that a sense of humor is really just a sense of perspective, so maybe what I really to do is take a step back and look at the big picture. When viewed through the Lens Of Perspective, my life has all kinds of stuff in it that I should be thanking God for instead of focusing on the less-than-ideal aspects. In that spirit, and in lieu of anything actually funny, I’ve decided to list five things that I’m extremely thankful for. Who knows, maybe a healthy dose of perspective will help me recapture that elusive sense of humor again. Here goes:

1. My children. Luke and Elizabeth are far and away the best thing(s) that have ever happened to me. They keep me grounded, give me something larger than myself to live for, and provide much-needed laughter and whimsy in my daily soundtrack. They are the mirrors that reflect back to me the best and worst in my own behavior. My heart is so full of love for them that it hurts sometimes, in the best possible way.

2. My home. I love this place. I love my garden and the orchard and all the space for kids to run around in, and how close it is — a short ride on a fast horse — to uncivilized wilderness. I’m slightly less euphoric about the cardboard-and-staples circa 1972 mobile home, but that’s why renovation projects were invented, right? And I’m thankful that Steve wants to keep his kids nearby, so selling the property isn’t something I need to worry about just yet…knock on wood.

3. My friends. One thing I didn’t expect about my marital breakup was that it would turn out to be a sort of litmus test to show me who my true friends are — and aren’t. There were people whom I had considered friends that simply stopped answering my calls when they found out that Steve and I had split. Perhaps they feared that divorce might be contagious, or they were turned off by the social stigma, or maybe they felt the need to take sides and they took Steve’s? I don’t know, they were just gone. Thank heaven for the brighter side of that coin: friends who immediately stepped in with words of comfort and support and/or offers of company and diversion. They made me laugh when my world was crumbling. They gave me a bit of solid ground to stand on and something to lean on and bolstered my faltering self-esteem. They kept me from sliding past grief and into true despair. I don’t even want to think about how much harder this experience would have been without them. Their friendship is a treasure beyond price, and I thank God for them every day.

4. The lessons I’ve learned. Everything’s a learning experience, right? In my darker moments I feel like I’ve completely wasted the past fourteen years of my life, but in all fairness that’s not really true at all. If I’m honest, I have to admit that I’m a better person for knowing Steve. The lessons weren’t always easy or fun, but I think I’ve come out the other side of this marriage stronger and wiser and more balanced than I went into it. I know a lot more about how to get along as a functioning member of the human race than I did before I met him. So, I do appreciate that.

5. Hmmmmm. Surely I haven’t run out of stuff to be thankful for already…? OH! I’m thankful for this guy that hit on me today at the supermarket. I sorta blew him off (nicely) because I’m nowhere near ready to start dealing with men again yet and he didn’t look like my type anyway, but still. When you’re 39 years old it’s always a compliment, and frankly I appreciated the ego boost. So thanks, guy at the supermarket!

Okay! Got my happy thoughts back, let the hilarity begin!

Any minute now.

Yeah, stay tuned. I’ll get back to you on that.

Categories: Family, Friends, Humor, Life | Leave a comment

There’s Only Two Of Them…

…but somehow they manage to take up ALL the seating space.

Note the comfy (and usually ignored) doggy pillow under the coffee table.

Categories: Animals, Dogs, Humor, Life | 2 Comments

Insert Money Here –>

I found this in Luke’s room today:

wanted.jpg

I’m not sure he’s entirely clear on how a reward poster works.

Categories: Family, Humor, kids, Life | 3 Comments

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